Miscellaneous · Uncategorized

Every Soda is Safe

You all may not know this, but I have a lot of husbands. Fictional ones. I put them all in my Husband Closet and they live quite comfortably amongst all the period gowns and magically Narnianesque space provided. I probably just ruined my chances of marriage with that. You guys won’t tell anyone, will you? ;)

Hey, do you ever play the soda tab game? After finishing a can of soda, you push and pull the tab back and forth and go through the alphabet; Push down – A; Pull back – B; and so on and so forth until the tab breaks off and you’re stuck with the letter you were verbalizing when it broke. The letter you get is supposed to be the first initial of the last name of the man you’ll marry. (Like the lavender under the pillow trick.) I guess you can do first names, but I always thought the first name thing was cheating–too easy. Although I warn you… I’m breaking my own rule in this post. Anyway, not too long ago I was drinking a soda and my brother and I had a conversation like this…

Beth: M! Excellent! Ethan, M! For Marks! Rob Marks! (British tour bus guide extraordinaire.)
Ethan: You have so many husbands now, it’s not even exciting when you get a good letter.
Beth: But it’s… he’s… Hmmm.

So that got me thinking. Do I really have a husband (or a prospective one) for every letter of the alphabet!? Does this mean that I can break off soda tabs free of fear forever!? I set out to discover the truth of the matter. Here is my list.

A – Ashby, Galen©
The Turnings©
Genre: Literature

Yes. I wrote him into existence. And yes. Alex O’Loughlin is the closest living man I can think to represent him. He’s a Victorian man. Enough said.

B – Blakeney, Percy
The Scarlet Pimpernel
Genre: Literature

I was always very fond of this cover. Of course I’m in love with the musical and movie versions of Percy, too. But this cover man is amazing. It’s his jaw. Even if he wasn’t such a literary catch, I’d marry him for his jaw. It’s that strong of a jaw.

C – Chase, (Dr.) Robert
House M.D.
Genre: TV

If he wears a lab coat, scrubs, and can rattle off medical terms in an accent, I’m in. Plus, the actor who plays this particular doctor character has the last name of Spencer. That name is a reoccurring theme for me. It’s like a sign.

D – de Chagny, (Vicomte) Raoul
The Phantom of the Opera
Genre: Film (2004) & Musical

I really shouldn’t need to defend this choice. Rich, handsome, kind, caring, unconcerned with social divisions. And it’s Christine’s fault he was at odds with Erik; all her two-timin’ indecisiveness. Bah! The WWS seals the deal for me.

E – Eragon
Genre: Strictly Literary

Yeah, I know, I’m allowing the movie actor’s image to be put here, but that’s because I think Ed Speelers could have played a convincing Eragon, had his hair been darkened and the script writer fired.

F – Ferrars, Edward
Sense and Sensibility
Genre: Film (1995 & 2008)

Back when Edwards were respectable. I chose the Hugh Grant Edward because he’s kind of the original deliciously awkward and elusive Mr. F. I will tell you right now I have a thing for Victorian men. I wants me one.

G – Guy of Gisborne
Robin Hood
Genre: TV Series

It’s like a Beauty and the Beast/Phantom thing. “For the unbelieving husband is sanctified by the wife…” That’s totally in the Bible. So. Yes. Stop telling me I can’t marry Guy because he’s “a bad guy” and “people never change.” IT’S IN MY RELIGION TO BELIEVE IN CHANGE! *huffs* So there. :P It’s obvious throughout the series that he struggles with his conscience. He just needs someone to take his hand and show him how to proceed. (*coughs*Since Marian failed*coughs*) I seriously need to write a fan fiction for this Guy. Really, I do. As for the “he’s fictional” argument… that matters not to me. Obviously. Since I made this post.

H – Howl, Wizard Pendragon & Hartright, Walter
Howl’s Moving Castle & Woman in White
Genres: Film & Literature/Musical

He is wonderful. That is all. Pictures of Walter from the musical are hard to pin down since it was so short lived. However, I do have a clip from said musical! It’s not Martin Crewes, but it’s a guy… playing Walter.

And guess which era Walter is froooom? :D Lookit them rolled up sleeves! And that delightful ending huggy hug. *happy sigh*

I – Ioan Gruffudd
Various movies n’ things
Genre: Actor

Horatio Hornblower has to be the most fantastic period drama mini-series that hardly has a single woman in it. Seriously, I could drown (ha ha pun!) in his eyes and accented lines. I watched Fantastic 4 and King Arthur just for Ioan. And I watched Titanic again just to see if he was in it any more than the end. Wishful thinking. He wasn’t. Then he had to go and be in Amazing Grace, portraying an historical figure I’ve had a scholar’s crush on for ages!! That did it. I’m marrying Ioan.

J – Jonathan
Elevator Girl
Genre: TV/Film

Jon doesn’t have a last name because last names are not needed in Hallmark films. But he does wear nice suits, leads “a very structured life,” is sweet and charming and falls for a girl who pretty much stole my personality and dream life by getting stuck with her in an elevator. Is it cheesy and predictable? Yes. Do I care? Obviously not. Would you? Looking at that picture… would you!??

K – Knightley, George
Genre: Literature & Film (1996)

I love all the Mr. Knightleys. I even love Josh from Clueless. They’re these beacons of honesty in hypocritical societies. They keep the Emma heroines grounded. And they’re jealousies over the Mr. Frank Churchills of the stories are really, really melt-worthy. *becomes puddle of mush* Every girl wants a man who will be her friend, even when he’s admonishing her for misdeeds. Mr. Knightley is that man. But Northam’s version of Knightley will always be unbeatable. His, “Emmaaa…” and “Badly done, Emma!” are just… gah! No comparison. No one’s done the Box Hill lecture like he has.  No one. And I have seen many variations of the Emma story. Plus, that 16 years senior thing… that’s kind of hot. ;P

L – Liapnir
Genre: Literature

Since he’s basically made of fire (I’m not using that as a euphemism, that’s how the book goes) and there’s no image of him, except what you gather in your mind through the pages, The Master gets fire as his picture. I love him. You’d have to read the book to really understand.

M – Marks, Rob
Genre: IRL

Yeah, so… when I was in London, there was this bus tour…. and this young man… he basically made my day. When you go to Europe, you’re supposed to bring back a husband! So… I did. :D I will stalk him when next I’m in London. I will. He made us all laugh, he knew his history, and he was British. Yush.

N – North, Wayland
Brightly Woven
Genre: Literature

Here’s another character without cover art to help out. He’s one of those cocky wizards that the heroine clashes with from the start, and you know all that tension means they’ll end up together. I like his abruptness. And his magical abilities. And his use of epithets. :) I have a good mental picture of what he looks like, but don’t feel like sorting through actor’s profiles to find a close one right now.

O – Onasi, Carth
Knights of the Old Republic
Genre: VG

We have history! We’ve saved the galaxy numerous times together! Over 10, to be exact. Some people irritate me because they’re all, “Oh, Carth is just a whiner. He’s so angsteh and he’s always whining about something.” Excuse me, but if your planet was decimated by the Sith, your spouse killed, and your boy taken in with the very people who had destroyed your life, you’d have reason to complain a bit, don’t you think? Besides, angsteh pilot = <3 I will never forget the day I discovered that KOTOR allows you to flirt with your traveling companions. I immediately created a new character named Chala Onasi and laughed my head off whenever I introduced myself. “Hi, I’m Chala Onasi. We share the same last name because two seconds of flirting means we’re married.” Heheh. I should play this game again. Ooo, and all the little Easter eggs of Carth conversations! Like that one guy he chews out for disrespecting me. :D What a wonderful person.

P – Phantom/Phanty
The Phantom of the Opera
Genre: Film/TV Series (1990)

Gerik (Gerard Butler’s Erik) is the propert–I mean, belongs to best friend Sara. But I am allowed the dear Kopit version! :D He is the sweetest man ever.

Q – Quintus
Genre: Film

I did it! I found a Q! And this is a great one! Quintus is the Roman officer… tribune? who has the strength to stand up to the evil Emperor Commodus and at a critical moment commands his soldiers to “SHEATH YOUR SWORDS!” Heck yes, I’d marry him! And you know what? He is not at all bad looking, either!

R – Robin the Boy Wonder
Teen Titans
Genre: TV Series

I AM Starfire! *sobs* I MISS THIS SHOW!!!

**Special Notable Mention**
Since we’re between R and S…

Reid, Spencer
Criminal Minds
Genre: TV Series

Some characters are so unbearably attractive in their awkwardness that it makes your heart flutter. Reid is one of them. Plus he’s a genius and he catches criminals. Also, his on-screen crying makes me want to give him hugs.

S – Spencer, Shawn
Genres: TV Series

See, there’s Spencer again. ;) If a Shawn walked into my life, I would not let him leave. Anyone who makes me laugh this much needs to be part of my life. For good. Marriage is a good option.

T – Tam, Simon
Firefly & Serenity
Genre: TV/Film

Ooooh, doctor. x) Look! He’s almost Victorian here! Sci-fi genre, I loooove youuuu!

U – Uncle Monty
A Series of Unfortunate Events
Genre: Film

Because I needed a U. And he’s nice and I like his hat. Plus, he reminds me of a Hobbit. Oh yes, and that actor was the Muppet’s Billy Bones! So yaaaay Uncle Monty! (Of course he wouldn’t be my uncle. That should go without saying, but just to be clear.)

V – Van Helsing
Van Helsing
Genre: Film

Oh come on! It’s Hugh Jackman hunting vampires in a really cool hat and leather! I admit, this movie’s ending was preeetty stupid and the film played out like a video game. (Actually, the video game was stupid, too.) But Anna was a dumb character with ridiculously pretty hair anyway, so why should I care if she meets her end by getting sat on by a werewolf? I just want to steal Hugh Ja–I mean Van Helsing for myself, anyway. His is the only werewolf transformation that doesn’t make me roll my eyes and despise the guy transforming. But then… he is Hugh Jackm–I mean Van Helsing.

W – Weasley, Fred or George
Harry Potter
Genre: Literature & Film

Either would do, really. But if I have to pick, I’m going with George. Not just because… SPOILER… he lives, but because Fred’s the one who turned Ron’s broomstick into a spider. And somehow George seems like the funnier of the two. Dunno why. *shrugs* So yeh. George it is!

X – Xiahou Dun
Dynasty Warriors
Genre: Video Game

Ooooh yeaaaah. :) Technically I’m still using his last name because he’s Chinese, so the names are backwards… right?

Y – Yorick
Genre: Literature

Hamlet knew him. This is the wild card one. We don’t really know what Yorick was like before he was dead. Okay, that’s a lie. He was a jester and Hamlet talks half-mockingly, half-fondly of him. We also know he kicked it with ye ‘ole Hammy, and was important enough to prompt a fifteen minute monologue. It’s probably not that long. It just feels that long when you’re forced to watch Hamlet instead of Twelfth Night. Why would I marry such a fellow? Because at least it’s not Hamlet. Or anyone else LIVING in that story… for however short a time.

Z – Zuko, Prince
Avatar: The Last Airbender
Genre: TV (AND TV ONLY!!)

Angst muffin! <3 Although he looks quite cheerful here, do not let it fool you. “I’ll save you from the pirates!” :D Hehehehe.

I have a man for every letter!! Every soda is indeed safe for me to consume! As far as my future goes, anyway. As for my organs… this does not safeguard those. Every single girl should have a safe soda list so as not to get stuck with undesirable prospects. ;) So go hence and make yourselves lists!

~Fun Tally~

-Doctors/Medical Savvy: 7
-Wizards/Magic Handlers: 7
-18th-19th Century Men: 8
-Socially Awkward Yet Brilliant: 11
-Known For Great Hair: 9
-Old Enough To Raise Some Eyebrows: 14
-Troubled Past: 12

;) And this post is officially done!



8 thoughts on “Every Soda is Safe

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