Apple? No. Trixibell? Gag me. We all expect celebrities to choose ridiculous names for their children, but the appointment of terrible names is a growing trend that needs to stop and it needs to stop now. I’m sure we’ve all heard some strange ones from close friends and family who think they’ve found the perfect name and yet it makes you cringe with the distaste of it in your mouth. So how do you know your child will grow up loving their name? By following these directions, of course! And you know I know what I’m talking about. I gave half my siblings their middle names.
1. Be trendy. Everyone loves a name that is significant 0nly to their parents’ generation. Mostly because they will have five friends with the exact same name who were born to parents of like minds and thereby will just know how meaningful it is.
Girl: Isabella (Bella)
Boy: Edward Jacob
Twins: Reneesme and Charlisle
2. Speaking of twins, they are rare. They make up only 1.9% of the earth’s population. (That’s a real statistic from Wikipedia.) So if you have twins, you should give them names that really stand out and let others know your kids are that special and rare.
Boy/Girl: Epoch and Era
Girl/Girl: Aphrodite and Athena
Boy/Boy: Alpha and Omega
(But only if they were your first and you stop having children after that.)
3. Be racially diverse. Choose exotic names from various cultures to ensure your children will grow up bilingual.
Twins: Yin and Yang
4. Be distinguished. Elizabeth and William were royal names in the past, but due to all the commoners naming children after regents they’ve lost their lofty status. So use dashes. Dashes are very distinguished. But don’t use too many or your kids will be stereotyped as snobs. I’d say no more than five dashes is acceptable.
Twins: Jell-o and Gel-oh
Also, add dashes to normal boring names to make them better, like Hol-ly and Br-ad.
5. Be selfish. Don’t worry about what anyone else thinks or the fact that your child is the one who will be stuck with his name long after you’re gone. If you want to name a kid after your favorite Aunt Brunhildevard, do it! So what if all your friends think that’s a horrendous name? It’s not like their boringly average-name kids are going to be hanging out with yours and picking on them. It’s not like you’ll blush in the middle of the mall when you call your child’s name and suddenly realize it’s as if you spit up bean juice. Plus, prospective employers will love receiving their job applications!
There you go! You are fully prepared to go forth and name!
P.S. This post was written almost entirely in sarcasm except the first paragraph.