Cold and flu season is upon us. Or at least it’s upon me. Behold a surefire plan for getting over the coughs, sniffles, and soreness.
1. Get enough rest.
Do not get out of bed before 12pm. I repeat: Do not get out of bed before 12pm.
Exception: Your bed is on fire and there’s a beautiful person outside your door with a cool rag for your head.
2. Stick to a good diet.
Here’s a recipe for the best sickie meal:
– 1 teabag of Celestial Seasonings Nutcracker Sweet Tea
– 2 tsp of brown sugar
– 1 container of whipping cream
– Properly boiled water (no microwave involvement)
Place teabag into favorite teacup. Pour water over packet of tea. Let steep for a minute and a half. Remove teabag. Add brown sugar and stir in whipping cream until the substance in your cup resembles the “milky” color on this guide:
Enjoy with a scone and two ibuprofen pills.
3. Don’t overwork your mind.
Listen to some light, soothing music, or watch a marathon of a show that doesn’t make you think too much.
4. Keep the blood circulated.
Wiggle your toes every now and then just to make sure the blood’s a’flowin. Also, arm exercises in the form of reaching for another chocolate chip cookie is encouraged.
5. Isolate yourself.
Don’t publicly socialize. You’ll get others sick and they’ll hold a grudge against you for eons afterward. Only talk to people who will alleviate your suffering and only through textual means. Face to face conversations (or audio) will remind you how comparatively unhealthy you are and depress you further. It’s like if you’re blind you shouldn’t hang around people who can see. That’s just depressing.