Convictions & Comforts · How Tos

How To Know We’re Compatible

For Valentine’s Day, I thought I’d answer the question every eligible guy is asking themselves: Am I compatible with Beth?

Wow, Valentine’s Day is OVER!?! Oh well.

:P Okay, I’m a silly. But tell me if this sounds like you…

Girl: What you do mean, you don’t like Love Actually!??! What kind of person doesn’t see the greatness of that film?
Boy: I just don’t like it.
Girl: Well what about Titanic?
Boy: Eeeh, it’s okay.
Girl: The Notebook? Tell me you at least teared up during The Notebook!!
Boy: ….
Girl: This relationship is over.

You know this could happen. It probably has happened. I’ll bet many boys/boy-men/man-boys have fallen victim to those ever treacherous “deal breakers.” And by deal, I mean, “You complain about this movie/song/actor and you can kiss my hand as it waves goodbye.” (Which is the literal equivalent of getting smacked awkwardly in the face.)

Since the above example is a foolproof way to determine whether or not a person’s a keeper, I shall use it for use upon myself to be used by menfolk.

“Well that sounds really shallow and stupid. Let’s try it!” ~Azula

How To Know We’re Compatible

1. You’re into costumes.

If a man can’t make a fool of himself for the sake of his woman at least occasionally… he’s no man at all.

These are going to make you and me a sure thing:
Hawt Dog
Disco Delish
Wildly Unattractive

I think a greater amount of self respect will only make you look arrogant.

Like these ones… these are just for snobs who are confident in their manliness. And no one likes a snob. Especially not a well dressed one:
Black is the Colour
The Whole Package
Regency Man
Tunic? Check

[End of Sarcasm… for the time being.]

2. You don’t look like a bum.

While we’re on the subject of clothes…

This is bad:

This is good:

Bad:

Good:

3. You will sing and you will like it.

Must you be an Irish tenor whose voice makes melting gourmet chocolate and crafting butter sculptures seem commonplace? No. But you do have to sing along very loudly to songs on the radio you know the words to. Or even ones you don’t know the words to. I will expect it of you.

This man is not afraid to sing from the heart.

4. You allow your image to be preserved.

My camera and your face must be friends. If your face is not friends with my camera, I will become petulant and say horrible things I don’t mean like, “What are you a vampire?” or “I suppose you’re too in love with your face to share it with ME” and “Fine. I’ll put a picture of myself in my compact heart shaped silvery rose mirror case and when people ask, ‘Oh, who are you going out with?’ I’ll say, ‘Apparently, myself! Want to see a picture?'” It wouldn’t work out.

Acceptable Exception: You work for the CIA or any other identity sensitive corporation.

5. You make me laugh.

You know what makes me laugh? Shawn’s girl voice. We might be compatible if you have a hilarious girl voice. Some guys can’t pull off the imitation girl voice without sounding like jerks, but if you can… call me. In your girl voice.

Another thing that makes me laugh is the Llamas With Hats videos. I laugh until the tears stream down my eyes. Do I have a morbid sense of humor? Yes, sometimes. But I really am a kindhearted soul.

6. You’d rather shoo than shoot.

I’m no pacifist, and I’m perfectly okay with hunting–if it’s for eating. But it really bothers me when a guy shoots a small, helpless creature for the poor excuse that, “It was bothering someone” or “I needed the target practice.” I don’t like spiders, and yeah, I usually kill them if they invade my room because I don’t like the thought of them biting me in my sleep–which they do. Self preservation is good. But I admit, I kind of like it when a guy decides to scoop a spider into a jar or on a piece of paper and take it outside. (Sans the shaking it in my face.) And when I hear of some male person who shot a bat or a bee or a bird or a squirrel… I get very upset. I think it speaks volumes on his character. And the girls who encourage the killing of “pests” in the wild get me just as riled. Unless it’s a real threat, grow a spine and save your bullets for a real emergency. Otherwise you look like a wimp and no one will love you. I mean… Iiii won’t love you. Imeanwhat?

7. You like to lift heavy things.

I’m 98lbs, 5’3 and my arms are short. If you like to lift heavy things or reach for drinking glasses up high in cupboards, I would like us to work something out. We can start with a picnic… where you carry the basket.

8. You will agree that these movies/shows are boss.

Pride and Prejudice

Lord of the Rings

Gladiator

Fantastic Mr. Fox

Star Wars IV, V, VI

At least the first and seventh Harry Potter films. The rest are a gray area.

Firefly

Psych

Criminal Minds

The Office

9. You will never expect me to watch these films.

Avatar
-Fern Gully
-Pocahontas
-The New World
Since they’re all practically the same movie.

Pomp and Partiality

10. You like four-legged fluffy things.

I had this dream where I owned two bunnies. Their names were Mrs. Pretty and Lumpy (short for Fatty Lumpkins).  But it has always been a dream of mine to have a kitty or two. This dream must be realized. I need bunnies. And I need kitties.

11. You tolerate crushes.

I must be allowed always to drool over Mr. Darcy, Richard Armitage, Ioan Gruffud…etc. And watch Reid do his thing on Criminal Minds without reprimand. After all, they’ve been keeping me company all this time while you are dragging your feet.

0:15 is pure magic. Hehehe. Silly ellipses!

<3 I love him.

12. You have a passion for something.

Just…. something. Preferably not tattoos and hog riding, but you know, a passion for truth, justice, and pizza is good. (Teen Titans reference anyone? Anyone?)

You could combine numbers 3 and 12 by singing with a passion.

Christian Bale is an actor who sings (not a singer who acts) and here he is, singing for a strike. That is passion.

Another example of a man singing with a passion…

Heh.

~B~

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7 thoughts on “How To Know We’re Compatible

  1. “I’m 98lbs, 5’3 and my arms are short. If you like to lift heavy things or reach for drinking glasses up high in cupboards, I would like us to work something out. We can start with a picnic… where you carry the basket.” — that made me laugh. Out loud. Also, you’re tiny.

    I love the Llamas with Hats videos!!! So very hilarious!

      1. Heehehehe. Yes, frequently I’m told at work, “Bethany, why don’t you just GROW a little more, then you don’t have to carry the ladder or step stool around for everything?” Hm, maybe because I caaan’t! :P

        I love them too! “I feel I’ve been issued a challenge!” Mum and I use “That is my… my least favorite thing to do” whenever we get caught doing anything suspicious.

        I want a corndog! I love corndogs. Best food ever.

  2. Whaaaaat!? “The Whole Package” and “Regency Man” are snobs, “And no one likes a snob”. How can that be? [Beginning of Sarcasm…] :)

  3. When I marry I must purchase the Whole Package and Regency Man outfits and force my husband to wear one or the other on every “special occasion” I can come up with.

    I think I’ve fallen in love with that first video.

    I’ve also just gone and watched all the Llamas with Hats videos. I was laughing so hard! I didn’t think much of Charlie the Unicorn, but these . . . oh, my goodness. They’re hilarious.

    And, dear, you are 98 lbs? Wow. You are so thin! I’ve got a healthy weight, I think, but I’m shorter than you and way more.

    1. I KNOW, RIGHT!?!? Whoever I marry, I already know that the bridegroom wedding ensemble will involve some form of old fashioned garb.

      The singing man or the one with the ellipses? :P The Russian singer is first, so I guess that one. Hehehe.

      Oh, I know! I just can’t get over how funny they are! “Well that sounds dangerous.” :D

      Yeah, I have a small frame, too, so I sound ridiculous small, but I’m not unhealthy either. :)

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