I’m here to teach you fair blogging (and reading this from my Facebook) friends how to work the right negativity into your daily lives. I am not here to make dunces of you lot. (See what I did there? This is much too much fun.)
On to examples!
How To Be Negative
1. In your speech.
You will not be taken for a fool if you talk this way.
See what I did there… again?
I was just perusing some of my story documents, and I realize that when I try to make a character sound more old fashioned, he/she will start talking in negatives. Why does this work? Why would it not? And with that wonderful reasoning, I urge you to try it.
At work: I would not be loathe to print those for you.
At home: These are not the slippers I desired, oh foolish one.
At the park: You will not leave your dog’s misuse of the ground there!
In anger: He is not to be rewarded for his insolence!
Quoting movies: That is not my intent.*
*Faramir; The Two Towers
2. In your decisions.
Negative people are picky, and therefore it appears they have some secret knowledge of products that gives them a right to be picky, or else they’re simply drowning in wealth and want only the very best. Don’t make decisions right away. When it comes to the point where you really have to make one, act as if you’re only settling, because nothing is actually good enough for you.
Example: You walk up to place your order at a fast food restaurant. The cashier asks what you would like. You should say, “Well, I definitely don’t want the double baconator cheese classic combo. It has, by far, the most calories of anything on the menu.” (Counting calories always makes you look classy.) Then deliberate. Confirm that you don’t want the combo, the fries are probably too salty for your liking, and at last give a longsuffering sigh and say, “I guess I’ll get the salad… um, but do not put cheese on it.” Automatically you will gain more respect.
3. In your giving.
Whenever you do a good deed, don’t accept thanks or any form of gratitude. It only gives the impression that you did something to get something. And that is so selfish. If the person insists on thanking you, reject it with something they can’t argue, such as, “Do not continue to thank me lest you make my efforts meaningless.” Or, “Don’t say such things or you will unbalance the Force.”
4. In your receiving.
If someone tries to plaster you with signs of affection, refuse it all. It will show just how far that person is willing to go to make you love them.
Arwen gives Aragorn the Evenstar. Aragorn has some negative thoughts and tries to give it back. This beautiful line is borne of Aragorn’s negativity in gift reception…
Arwen: It was a gift. Keep it.
5. In your answers.
Negativity can save you from many wrong answers. This is, perhaps, the simplest lesson of all. I will teach you one foolproof way to prevent you from saying something stupid and leaving yourself open to an embarrassing correction. No matter what the context, no matter what the question, you should answer like this…
“I don’t know.”