How Tos · Uncategorized

How To Be Negative

Negativity has a bad reputation. I don’t see why. Negative people may be grumpy, but they always sound so much smarter than the average bear!

I’m here to teach you fair blogging (and reading this from my Facebook) friends how to work the right negativity into your daily lives. I am not here to make dunces of you lot. (See what I did there? This is much too much fun.)

On to examples!

How To Be Negative

1. In your speech.

You will not be taken for a fool if you talk this way.

See what I did there… again?

I was just perusing some of my story documents, and I realize that when I try to make a character sound more old fashioned, he/she will start talking in negatives. Why does this work? Why would it not?  And with that wonderful reasoning, I urge you to try it.

At work: I would not be loathe to print those for you.

At home: These are not the slippers I desired, oh foolish one.

At the park: You will not leave your dog’s misuse of the ground there!

In anger: He is not to be rewarded for his insolence!

Quoting movies: That is not my intent.*


*Faramir; The Two Towers

2. In your decisions.

Negative people are picky, and therefore it appears they have some secret knowledge of products that gives them a right to be picky, or else they’re simply drowning in wealth and want only the very best. Don’t make decisions right away. When it comes to the point where you really have to make one, act as if you’re only settling, because nothing is actually good enough for you.

Example: You walk up to place your order at a fast food restaurant. The cashier asks what you would like. You should say, “Well, I definitely don’t want the double baconator cheese classic combo. It has, by far, the most calories of anything on the menu.” (Counting calories always makes you look classy.) Then deliberate. Confirm that you don’t want the combo, the fries are probably too salty for your liking, and at last give a longsuffering sigh and say, “I guess I’ll get the salad… um, but do not put cheese on it.” Automatically you will gain more respect.

3. In your giving.

Whenever you do a good deed, don’t accept thanks or any form of gratitude. It only gives the impression that you did something to get something. And that is so selfish. If the person insists on thanking you, reject it with something they can’t argue, such as, “Do not continue to thank me lest you make my efforts meaningless.” Or, “Don’t say such things or you will unbalance the Force.”

4. In your receiving.

If someone tries to plaster you with signs of affection, refuse it all. It will show just how far that person is willing to go to make you love them.

Example:

Arwen gives Aragorn the Evenstar. Aragorn has some negative thoughts and tries to give it back. This beautiful line is borne of Aragorn’s negativity in gift reception…

Arwen: It was a gift. Keep it.

Such poetry.

5. In your answers.

Negativity can save you from many wrong answers. This is, perhaps, the simplest lesson of all. I will teach you one foolproof way to prevent you from saying something stupid and leaving yourself open to an embarrassing correction. No matter what the context, no matter what the question, you should answer like this…

“I don’t know.”

~B~

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4 thoughts on “How To Be Negative

  1. In general I’m a big fan of positivity, but I am assuming this post is kind of facetious, so you are forgiven. :D

    #1 – I think that is because a long time ago people always said things in the longest way possible. That’s why their sentences all have about five parenthetical clauses each.

    I do agree with number 3, because that is a very good kind of negativity. And number 5 is a gem. Definitely a good thing to keep in mind!

    1. That’s quite true. :) I’m glad I have the honor of receiving your forgiveness.

      Yes, that makes sense. These days everyone wants to abbreviate whatever they can to spit it out faster. I’ve read a lot of writing books that say to always use fewer, shorter words when possible, and although that may be a good rule to follow generally speaking, I think we’ve lost a lot of the beauty in longer sentences and paragraphs.

      I don’t know… I was really being sarcastic here because I don’t like #3. :P I’ve known several people who do that and for the person on the receiving end. Instead of “Oh, don’t thank me,” I’d rather hear, “You’re welcome, I’m so glad you like it!” or “Pay it forward now!” Something like that.

      1. I’ve read the same thing, and I totally understand what the writing books mean. Yet I agree that there is a sort of beauty in longer sentences. Perhaps, though, it is simply the fact that it’s so foreign to us that makes it beautiful.

        A drawback of old-fashioned writing is that you have to keep in mind exactly what is going on in the sentence. Because they’re so long and winding, it’s easy to forget where everything fits grammatically. This results in much rereading if you’re not careful to pay close attention. Then again, maybe that’s a good thing, as it exercises your brain. Nineteenth century folk probably had much better memories than we do.

        Oh. I do see your point. I would definitely like to hear a “you’re welcome” after I thank someone. I wasn’t even thinking of the other end when I said I agreed with that . . . which, yeah, kind of selfish not to. I was just thinking . . . I don’t like when people thank me. I am actually not the sort to say “Don’t thank me” at all, so now that I think about it I don’t know why I said I agree with number 3. I guess I meant that . . . that’s just what I’m thinking in a situation like that. If I’m holding open the door for people filing out of the room, I don’t want anyone to notice I’m there. If someone says, “Thank you!” I’ll smile and say, “You’re welcome!” because I don’t want them to think I’m annoyed at them for being appreciative. I do appreciate their appreciativeness, but that doesn’t mean I’d be happier if they didn’t appreciate at all. I’m more comfortable when people don’t notice that someone’s holding the door and just walk straight past.

        Also, when I agreed to that, I was looking at the examples you gave at the end, which are just . . . I would love to use those. I don’t know if I would, but I would love to. And if I were the person on the receiving end, I think I’d laugh.

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