It causes conversations like this to occur:
Bro#1: *playing the Wii* Dogfight!!
Bro#2: No, not dogfight mode!
Me: That’s right. No dogfights. Dog fighting is illegal, not to mention cruel.
Bro#1: No, we mean dogfight in planes.
Me: Dogs can’t fly planes. That is also illegal and very dangerous.
No one laughs–except for me–because it isn’t that funny. And yet, I am amused and I continue to do it.
Jonathan: Toss me the ketchup.
Me: *literally tosses it*
Jonathan: What are you doing??
Me: Exactly what you told me to.
Mum: *with a rebellious son* Preston, you are not allowed to do this every Sunday!!
Me: Can he do it every other Sunday?
When I was in Europe my parents kept in contact through an international phone mom set up for me. When the hectic rush of touring kept me from communicating as often as they would have liked, mum made sure to prod me a bit.
Mumsie: Haven’t heard from you in a while. Please text.
Me: (At 4:00 AM their time) Hi. I’m on a bus.
And yes, I knew it was 4 in the morning their time. I’m a horrible daughter sometimes. It’s a wonder they still love me.
But now it’s my work mates that have to deal with my purposeful stupidity.
Coworker: Hot racks! Hot racks! Coming through! Hot racks!
Me: SEXUAL HARASSMENT!!! AAAAAAAAHH!!!
Dave: *pointing to dirty floor* What’s this?
Me: That’s a dirty floor, Dave.
Haley: Do you have a pen?
Haley: … Do you have a pen I can use?
Haley: … May I use it?
Me: Of course! Why didn’t you just ask?
Most of my coworkers already know about the fateful audit day. But I might as well repeat the conversation here as well. It’s become legendary. And this touches on the borders of actual stupidity, so have fun with it. :P
Audit Guy: Where’s the emergency meeting point?
My Boss: What’s outside?
Me: The parking lot.
My Boss: And what’s past the parking lot?
Me: The… horizon!
Yep! All my fellow associates should know, if the building catches fire they can meet me at the horizon.
But it really doesn’t help when you have equally silly coworkers.
Matt: So, Bethany, what’s the hardest drink to make?
Sean: Your mom’s the hardest drink to make!
Me: You’re the hardest drink to make.
Sean: Seriously, Matt, those drinks, they’re all the same.
Me: YOU’RE all the same!! *huffs* Men.
And just to top it all off, an episode from roughly twenty minutes ago at the dinner table…
Fortune Cookie: A wish will be granted after a long delay.
Me: *long pause* …. HEY GUYS, I’M GETTING MARRIED!!!